The path of devastation; be it fire or anger

At the moment, here in Cape Town, there is an incredible fire raging through the Cape Peninsula mountain range. It seems to be unstoppable and just when one thinks it has died down in one area it seems to reappear. It has taken many firefighters (300) to try to control the fire over the last three days – and with difficulty. They have been brave. Some say that it might continue burning for the rest of the week. There is an unpredictable quality about bush fire; it rages, it is fearsome, it keeps on burning whatever is in its way. So it is devastatingly dangerous to humans and animals. On the other-hand the bush fire is necessary for the germination of the new seeds of the vynbos but controlled fire burning, over time, is what is needed.

For most of us onlookers we feel a little helpless when we see the devastation it is wrecking. 

Anger is like the bush fire and can be dangerous: when you finally express it, or pin-point what or who is provoking you, anger flares up in unpredictable ways. We can’t be sure where it will take us -both the reactor and the recipient. Once it is fueled, anger rages through your mind and body; sometimes flaming high and hot; sometimes smoldering steadily for days causing internal and external damage.

  

For those who express anger in a flammable manner it may feel like it is over as soon as it starts but for those who smolder it can continue for days and months as they harbor offenses, frustrations and irritations. For the recipient, or the onlooker so to speak, who experience the flammable wrath of others, it is not over so quickly; they are left picking up the pieces of the devastation of those angry members who have moved on. They land up holding the pain – just like seeing the path of devastation of the fire. 

It is also difficult to live with people who smolder. Smoldering people try so hard not to offend and keep their grievances to themselves. It doesn’t work. You know the saying “where there is smoke there is fire?” well those around the “smolderer” see the smoke and intuitively know there is fire. The "smolderer"  might have shut down to their outer world but their mind is working overtime. Body language, facial expressions, sullen or grumpy moods and passive aggressive actions are some of the tell-tale signs. What feels uneasy for the onlooker is they don’t know where the “fire” is or where it is going to. 

It is important to keep the communication channels open – like controlled fire burning. If you make it a habit to keep short accounts and own your feelings you will find it enhances your relationships; after all you never know whether it will be you or your friend, a family member or partner who needs to air difficult feelings. 

Keep on communicating.

A warm smile,

Morag

Expressing anger, a personal example.

Some people show their anger.

Some people stuff the anger down and hide it.

Some of us feel ashamed of feeling angry or frustrated. It makes us feel sad and we land up crying instead instead of showing our true feelings.

In some families people find it difficult to express what they feel and patterns of non-communication have evolved. They find it easier to separate, each person preferring to withdraw, and keeping to themselves. they keep quiet about what they really feel. Parents might role model what they have learned from their parents and perpetuate the cycle because they don’t know any other way. It is difficult to role model something you haven’t experienced, such as the expression of feelings or vulnerable thoughts, if you haven’t had the chance to learn how to do it.Some people decide to try a different way, without knowing how.

Let’s look at anger as an example as I think that this is a common problem. To be quite honest I didn’t learn how to express anger because in my family my father, an alcoholic was a gentle person when sober but, when drunk had a violent temper. We found it safer to keep the peace so as not to trigger his anger. Challenging him would have been dangerous. It was like walking on eggshells. I, in turn, became afraid to express anger partly because I had grown up with a bad example and because I wanted nothing to do with it. I rejected anger. Also because I had not seen a healthy way of expressing anger I chose to bottle it up for about 40 years of my life.

I became afraid when anyone (teacher, boss, husband or friend) expressed anger - even legitimate anger, almost expecting the worst kind of violence. I perpetuated a cycle to some degree, not by expressing anger in violent ways but by becoming silent and stuffing down my anger.This I think of as the "keeping the peace" cycle. I would say nothing, only cry, but inside my anger grew and grew. I did this because I didn't know how to express anger in a healthy way.

 I also didn't know how to teach my children how express it in a healthy way; for example, if my child slammed the door I would reprimand them for slamming the door (and making a noise). I was inadvertently giving them the message that anger is wrong. Let’s say I said “we don’t want you slamming doors” or “it is bad to slam doors” I shut them down without finding a better way of expressing their anger or frustration. They ended up thinking I didn’t want them to express their anger.  In actual fact the comment was made recently by one of my grown up children that “We were made to feel that anger is bad.”

Transformation is possible, as I have found out, transforming from a fearful person to courageous person in the face of anger. I have learned how to express anger in healthy ways. And I have learned how to stand my ground in the face of anger – not being threatened by it - but being able to listen to what the message is behind the anger. Slamming doors, shouting, hitting the wall etc. are often ways of showing inner frustration at not being heard; or acknowledged; or feeling threatened.

A much better way of helping your child with anger is to tell them, if they have just slammed the door, that slamming the door (or any other destructive behavior) is not going to get what they want and THEN encourage them to use their words to tell you what they need or want. This will go a long way to mutual understanding and discussion. Discussion needs to be respectful – both towards the adult and towards to the child. It is up to you to be able to listen without reacting. Sometimes it is helpful to take a break when things get heated. You might notice that your pulse rate rises – and you find you begin to say things you regret. It is better to come back to the discussion later when you have both calmed down. We all want to be heard: so listen, and really listen. Emotion is a signal to ourselves and others around us. When tempers flare up the main goals are, not to stuff them down, but that both parties get heard; that everybody’s needs get expressed and a solution is worked out so that everybody concerned is satisfied.

Remember if you have never tried this before, and you are breaking an old pattern, it takes time to learn new ways of communicating but with practice you will become better at it. Be patient.

This post is just scratching at the tip of the ice-berg. And I have given just one personal example. There is a lot more experience and information around you. Watch and listen and become aware.

A warm smile,

Morag.  

The day Diella pierced her own ear (a mother's perspective)

I remember thinking that I had given Diella lots of freedom to pierce at a young age.

"Mom, I want another piercing", she had announced.
"No, I think two sets of holes is enough for now," I answered.

She had also showed interest in piercing her own ear. I had told her not to do it. Then one afternoon I come home to meet Diella in HIGH spirits – In actual fact, it felt like she was on a high. When I found out what she had done I was confused and bewildered by her behavior. She had pierced her own ear with a safety pin! The atmosphere in the home had become charged with emotion (her excitement and my anger). She was 13 years old at the time and as a mother, I felt enraged. 

I didn't know how to handle it and I paced the floor quietly seething. 
“How much more freedom does she need?” I asked myself.

The more important issue in my mind was that she had gone against my expressed wishes. I was also unnerved at the ”high” she was experiencing. I had this notion that, “people hurt themselves to experience an altered state of mind” (not that I knew much about self-harm at the time). I was scared and felt out of control as I wasn’t only worried about septicemia but also what the future might hold if we continued in this direction.  It slowly dawned on me: that “teen-dom” had crept up behind us and was about to flatten us and it was a horrible feeling. 

My reaction when I feel enraged is to withdraw to a place in myself in order to re-group. My concern is that if I don’t do this I might say or do something I will regret. It is my type of damage control. As I withdrew I realized that it is important to consider Diella’s heart and intentions. Apart from asking yourself what the motivation might be; also ask yourself what you both might learn from the situation.

I realized that I needed to be firm about safety issues so I put boundaries in place. How one communicates is important. Acceptance and understanding are things we all look for from others. I needed to be mindful and respectful of Diella’s feelings. Badly expressed anger can cause deep shame in the recipient. This does not build self-esteem. By communicating in respectful manner we teach them how they can respect themselves.

A child's growth.
My overall aim for my children is to develop self-esteem and interdependence. Ihis is a lifelong journey of self-discovery  and growth.They will discover that they are not always in charge of their emotions and actions; this can be quite bewildering to both parent and child as they find their way in mastering their emotions. Somebody once told me that I need to stand firm like a bulwark that weathers the waves crashing against it. While it is challenging to remain calm and self-controlled, as the parent, it is our duty to model the behavior we want to see our children eventually displaying as adults. Maneuvering through the minefields of this journey can bring up some really tricky stuff for parents as we are continually reminded of our own youth.

Keep pondering while you drink your tea.

A warm smile,

Morag