The day Diella pierced her own ear (a mother's perspective)

I remember thinking that I had given Diella lots of freedom to pierce at a young age.

"Mom, I want another piercing", she had announced.
"No, I think two sets of holes is enough for now," I answered.

She had also showed interest in piercing her own ear. I had told her not to do it. Then one afternoon I come home to meet Diella in HIGH spirits – In actual fact, it felt like she was on a high. When I found out what she had done I was confused and bewildered by her behavior. She had pierced her own ear with a safety pin! The atmosphere in the home had become charged with emotion (her excitement and my anger). She was 13 years old at the time and as a mother, I felt enraged. 

I didn't know how to handle it and I paced the floor quietly seething. 
“How much more freedom does she need?” I asked myself.

The more important issue in my mind was that she had gone against my expressed wishes. I was also unnerved at the ”high” she was experiencing. I had this notion that, “people hurt themselves to experience an altered state of mind” (not that I knew much about self-harm at the time). I was scared and felt out of control as I wasn’t only worried about septicemia but also what the future might hold if we continued in this direction.  It slowly dawned on me: that “teen-dom” had crept up behind us and was about to flatten us and it was a horrible feeling. 

My reaction when I feel enraged is to withdraw to a place in myself in order to re-group. My concern is that if I don’t do this I might say or do something I will regret. It is my type of damage control. As I withdrew I realized that it is important to consider Diella’s heart and intentions. Apart from asking yourself what the motivation might be; also ask yourself what you both might learn from the situation.

I realized that I needed to be firm about safety issues so I put boundaries in place. How one communicates is important. Acceptance and understanding are things we all look for from others. I needed to be mindful and respectful of Diella’s feelings. Badly expressed anger can cause deep shame in the recipient. This does not build self-esteem. By communicating in respectful manner we teach them how they can respect themselves.

A child's growth.
My overall aim for my children is to develop self-esteem and interdependence. Ihis is a lifelong journey of self-discovery  and growth.They will discover that they are not always in charge of their emotions and actions; this can be quite bewildering to both parent and child as they find their way in mastering their emotions. Somebody once told me that I need to stand firm like a bulwark that weathers the waves crashing against it. While it is challenging to remain calm and self-controlled, as the parent, it is our duty to model the behavior we want to see our children eventually displaying as adults. Maneuvering through the minefields of this journey can bring up some really tricky stuff for parents as we are continually reminded of our own youth.

Keep pondering while you drink your tea.

A warm smile,

Morag

My thoughts on piercings: Parenting

This post does not only apply to piercings but to many other situations we land up having to negotiate and navigate when we deal with teens emerging into adulthood. When I was in high school my mother “brushed me off” with excuses about why I couldn’t have piercings. I was quietly compliant until I was 18 years old then I began to manipulate her at her own game (which I won’t go into now).

I have come to the conclusion that we, as parents, should not make up excuses, or frustrate our children due to our own fears or inability to communicate. Boundaries are important and guidance will help develop sound reasoning powers and decision making abilities. Through this post I aim to stimulate your thoughts your boundaries, guidance and manner in which you communicate.

To allow your child freedom of expression (not just outward bodily expression but of their personal thoughts and experiences) is more important than making up excuses.  Ultimately we want our children to make intelligent decisions and possess a healthy self-esteem by the time that they reach adulthood.

How can we encourage personal expression?

·         Listening to them without judgment when they share their experiences; 

        Showing acceptance and understanding for what they are experiencing in their world;

·        remembering that our world, which we come from, is not the same as theirs;

·         Knowing that we might not agree – we should still present our case but we cannot force them to think similarly or agree with us if they honestly don’t.

The more we listen and try to understand their perspective the more they will be encouraged to speak up, share with and express themselves. (This is how our “teas” grew into something special). 

Educate them to educate themselves:

I feel it is important as a teen to be encouraged to

·         be self-reflective;

·          ask pertinent questions;

·          to do research and

·         enter into intelligent discussion with the adult about the issue concerned.  

Parents are often afraid of what their children might find on the internet. There are ways of guarding against that on computer (using apps for "parental control"). You can also think about where you give your child access to computers in the home. But it is also up to us to guide them and teach them how to do research for themselves. You can do this by asking some questions that they need to go and research or getting them think about what questions they would ask.

Support their evaluation process by listening and respectful discussion.

When you evaluate what your child wants to do, as their parent you should ask:

Does it harm them or someone else? Is it disrespectful of another person, themselves or belongings?  Is it fatal? You might have other questions that you feel are important.

It can be disconcerting, at first, when as the adult, you have probably felt in control of your child’s actions or thoughts most of the time. Teenagers herald a “letting go” process for adults. It is uncomfortable but necessary. Just as the teenager is learning to navigate her own life we are learning to let go of the control.

Keep reflecting while you drink your tea,

A warm smile,

Morag.