This post does not only apply to piercings but to many other
situations we land up having to negotiate and navigate when we deal with teens
emerging into adulthood. When I was in high school my mother “brushed me off”
with excuses about why I couldn’t have piercings. I was quietly compliant until
I was 18 years old then I began to manipulate her at her own game (which I
won’t go into now).
I have come to the conclusion that we, as parents, should
not make up excuses, or frustrate our children due to our own fears or inability to communicate. Boundaries are important and guidance will help develop sound reasoning powers
and decision making abilities. Through this post I aim to stimulate your thoughts your boundaries, guidance and manner in which you communicate.
To allow your child freedom of expression (not just outward
bodily expression but of their personal thoughts and experiences) is more
important than making up excuses. Ultimately
we want our children to make intelligent decisions and possess a healthy
self-esteem by the time that they reach adulthood.
How can we encourage personal
expression?
·
Listening to them without judgment when they share their experiences;
Showing acceptance
and understanding for what they are experiencing in their world;
· remembering that our world, which we come from,
is not the same as theirs;
·
Knowing that we might not agree – we should
still present our case but we cannot force them to think similarly or agree
with us if they honestly don’t.
The more we listen and try to understand their perspective
the more they will be encouraged to speak up, share with and express themselves.
(This is how our “teas” grew into something special).
Educate them to
educate themselves:
I feel it is important as a teen to be encouraged to
·
be self-reflective;
·
ask
pertinent questions;
·
to do
research and
·
enter into intelligent discussion with the adult
about the issue concerned.
Parents are often afraid of what their children might find
on the internet. There are ways of guarding against that on computer (using apps for "parental control"). You can also think
about where you give your child access to computers in the home. But it is also up to us to
guide them and teach them how to do research for themselves. You can do this by
asking some questions that they need to go and research or getting them think
about what questions they would ask.
Support their evaluation
process by listening and respectful discussion.
When you evaluate what
your child wants to do, as their parent you should ask:
Does it harm them or someone else? Is it disrespectful of
another person, themselves or belongings? Is it fatal? You might have other questions
that you feel are important.
It can be disconcerting, at first, when as the adult, you
have probably felt in control of your child’s actions or thoughts most of the
time. Teenagers herald a “letting go” process for adults. It is uncomfortable
but necessary. Just as the teenager is learning to navigate her own life we are
learning to let go of the control.
Keep reflecting while you drink your tea,
A warm smile,
Morag.
